The Stone That Sings, Chapter 1 Revision

Chapter 1, Rev 2

The Stone That Sings isn't exactly in first draft, though parts of it are. I tend to write in waves, where I write Chapter 1, then write Chapter 2, then revise Chapter 1 -- This is the process that got the first five chapters on Scribophile.

But now that I've created the first draft, I'm on the second full draft. Things I learned in the first draft by completing it all the way to the end can now be added.

So what did I learn?

I learned that P'nem, Danek, and Lorot are members of a Syrrannite enclave on Vulcan. This makes them different from Vulcan standards, but also held in high regard -- they tend to be the moral conscience of the Vulcan people -- whether they are wanted or not. If it sounds like that might make them scolds, you are right. All this technology and such causing 'deviations' in the Way of Kolinahr, which is why they remain in the desert, even if the desert plays havoc with higher technologies.

The Stone That Sings: Chapter 22

Chapter 22 is A Sehlat and her Girl

If that makes you think of "A Horse and His Boy" well, good. I certainly thought of it when I wrote the title, and that's where any Narnia similarity ends. The sehlat does not talk, nor is The Stone That Sings any kind of Christian allegory.

And I don't write nearly as well as CS Lewis, who was able to hide all sorts of allegory in his books and still make them a great read. His fans really are the most heavy-handed part of the Chronicles of Narnia.

Technically, this ending is falling action and an epilogue to tie up loose ends. My initial draft of this was almost entirely exposition, along with a form of reunion with Danek. T'Mar faded into the woodwork, and things were kind of explained along until the family arrives.

I did't like that. First, T'Mar is probably the most important Vulcan in Juliette's life. She's from a matriarchal society, one that is bonding goes, a lot more 'free flowing' than the clearly more binary Vulcans. This doesn't mean there's a sweet utopia of sisterhood -- at least no more of a utopia than any other Federation Planet, where the advent of warp travel all of a sudden makes us better sentient beings -- but it does mean that Juliette will be driven by female role-models.

So leaving T'Mar out didn't make sense, and I didn't like a long exposition. I am pleased at how that was resolved, and I think it establishes a far more interesting read. I suppose you can tell me if it does.

So what next? Well, at some point, fix up the beginning chapters to put them more in line with what I learned in later chapters. Flesh out some of the descriptions of Vulcan -- and toss the mirror out of that beginning paragraph. I might migrate the finished story over to Scrib, to get that final bit of polish. Scrib can be hit and miss when it comes to critiquing fan fiction, but I have gotten some very helpful critiques there.

This is the second novel I've completed. The first, A Perfect Join is probably still a perfect mess. But there are elements there I like and things I want to use. It was a backstory that very much needed to be written. And, with each novel, I learn a little bit more.

I hear good and bad about WattPad. But I think it might be a better home than FanFiction, if only because the reading interface for FanFiction.net seems a bit clunky. But even with a clunky interface, I'm pretty it'll have a home there.

The Stone That Sings: Chapter 21

Chapter 21 is called Hunted

I wasn't pleased with the first draft of this chapter.

Well, that's not entirely true; I was pleased to reach a moment when Juliette's conflict with the Romulans was resolved. I was pleased that she makes use of the desert to defend herself and yet, the desert does not come to her aid. I was pleased with the image of the storm as a third participant in a very deadly three-way race. I was pleased with the echoes from previous chapters: The Loresinger, the Passion Operas, the Kli'Mari and of course, the sehlat.

But in my first draft, I didn't get far into Juliette's head, and without doing so, the chapter would run the risk of being like Home Alone. Oh, that quirky Juliette and her clever plans! And those bumbling Romulans!

By going deeper into Juliette's PoV, I was able to bring out her thoughts on things -- on death and what she would leave behind, and her manner of death. It was around the third draft that I found the right cadence, and I'm sure that I'll pick at it more.

Out of that deeper PoV came an opportunity to reveal that as the sehlat got closer, Juliette's thoughts became more predatory and bestial. I jumped on that because it gave me a chance to double-underline the idea there are insurmountable gaps between alien species, but those gaps enhance relationships when one is not trying to force the other to behave 'their' way. The sehlat has a strong influence on Juliette; Juliette's influence on the sehlat is more subtle, and I might bring that more forward in another draft.

In canon, Troi made some reference to 'getting lost in the beast', I found that a bit contrived just to establish some plot point. More on that another time, but I write it all off with the idea that while the Fifth House of Betazed deserves respect as any of the Decadet (my term for the top 10 houses), they are not the experts on everything. Besides, Juliette is a stronger telepath.

As a result of those changes, I think this chapter became the climax that it needed to be. In revising the chapter before, I'd find myself reading ahead to this one because it tied everything together pretty nicely and gave a sense of closure.

I'm not done yet posting the draft of The Stone That Sings. There's still at least one more chapter to go. Then it's off to edit the first chapters!

Hooray?

The Stone That Sings: Chapter 20

Chapter 20 is Captive

This was a difficult chapter to write because the events bother me. I don't like writing about cruelty and abuse. But, if the events didn't bother me, I don't think they'd have much of an impact on the reader, and this chapter is designed, hopefully, to take the reader on a bit of a roller coaster ride. Its also very much where Juliette realized she's way out of her depth; and plotwise, things reach as low as they go. In my first draft, I what drove me through other chapters, enjoyable as they were, was getting to this one for many reasons.
I was excited to write the chapter because explains a lot about P'Nem and what's been going on at the monastery. Like a kid with a secret, it's been hard keeping it all this time. I hope the reveal is worth it. This chapter is also a springboard for the action that occurs after, and also lays out something I thought should have been more obvious in the Trek universe, that I bring forward in mine -- an unsettled past between the Vulcans and the Romulans.

Minor Spoilers below the fold.

The Stone That Sings: Chapter 19

Chapter 19 is Searching for the Hidden

Outlines can be a curse. You know all the major plot points, and sometimes the writing seems to rush headlong toward them without taking the time to really enjoy some of the middle areas.

But that's not at all why I'm excited about the chapter, even if it ends on a cliffhanger.

This chapter had a lot of surprises for me, one of which being the intensifying of the relationships in the Danek/Sri/T'Mar triangle, and the statement Juliette's mother made about "When you find your second, tell me again your first is enough." In fact, the curse was specifically written to foreshadow the plot point in Chapter 19. Especially since in the original outline, the love triangle was actually rather vanilla, which bothered more the closer I got to actually writing it. So I wanted to explain how it started, and how it evolved.

Juliette's relationship with Danek actually started from an obscure reference in a story I was doing for the U.S.S. Oppenheimer collection, and can be seen in The Uwda and the Others. Syvok never seems to get along with Juliette, which stems from something that happened on Vulcan. Which was a short version of Juliette getting involved with a Vulcan male, and her emotions playing havoc with his mind. The punch line to that was to be that nothing was wrong with the man in question, and it would take a visit from him, his wife, and their mother to set him straight as only Vulcans can. This was cute, but as I started writing about these characters, I realized the actual situation should be and would be more complicated -- but it leaves the opportunity for Juliette to even more damage.

But before the damage, we have Juliette becoming dear to both of them, so she is simultaneously the middle and both legs of the triangle, even though realistically, at least at this point, future stories show that Danek and T'Mar are married and happily so. But what that means for Juliette, T'Mar, and Danek is anybody's guess. There is still a chance Juliette is still just in thrall of the bond between T'Mar and Danek.

But this chapter was more than the ever-rotating triangle. Many masks come off in this chapter and a great deal is revealed about the badge, who seeks the badge, and their alliances. It really becomes part spy thriller, part young romance.

Which leads me to the next chapter, and in that one, I'll explain why that chapter is the hardest to write. Really!

The Stone That Sings, Chapter 18

Network, Cipher, and Light

As I approach the end of the novel, my drafts get draftier, and I find myself having to fix a lot more, which only shows what a mad rush it was to get to the end of the story.
This chapter was a challenge because it wasn't about major plot points, but more about putting things in motion, developing relationships, and solving the little mysteries to get to the big ones. I guess in story terms it is the minor victory before things go completely awry.

The Stone That Sings, Chapter 17

Connection

The one thing I don't have in my outline is chapter titles. I chose 'Connection' if only because that seemed to be what was going on, but I realized that the title is quite ironic.

 I wanted to hit:

• More information about the Raptor Badge and those involved
• Juliette's meddling in the relationship between T'Mar and Danek
• More information about what happened with the sehlat
• Danek's growing interest in Juliette
• Juliette increased distrust, yet continued reliance on P'Nem

There're a couple of threads on Scribophile about love triangles. I hate them because they become what people write when they don't have a story. Still, its hard to have a story about three young people and not have relationships defined, and if there is any ambiguity, you have the possibility of a triangle. But how can I avoid making yet another crappy love triangle?

The Stone That Sings, Chapter 16

Just an Injured Bird

Did I say that Chapter 15 was the chapter that I was dying to get to? Well, I liked. Chapter 16 was the one I really wanted to get to but was also the one I was dreading. It's less happy and more of a turning point and brings back the sehlat sub-plot with a vengeance.

I'd been dreading the chapter because it forced me to come face to face with the criticism I'd been handing out to multiple authors on Scribophile about injuries and combat -- which was to point out that many beginning writers depict combat and injury far too clinically -- even when the combatant is a non-com like Juliette. The other element I wanted to bring in is a sense of denial and the random tangle of thoughts that seems to accompany shock.

So this chapter is confusing because much of it is set around a traumatic injury. Does it work? I don't know. I'll let the feedback decide.

There are other pieces to this chapter. P'Nem breaks her almost perfect Vulcan veneer just a little, and the level of frustration with the entire situation reaches an all-time high. It also made sense to have Juliette confront Surot -- especially since he's more or less the moral compass of the monastery, but even he is involved in Juliette's situation to some level.  His position might seem confusing; I'm hoping that his position will make sense if not before, but the end of the novel.

The Stone That Sings, Chapter 15

The Masters and the Loresinger

So I'm following an outline, and I've been dying to get to this chapter out for several reasons. One, because this ties together so many sub-plots that I've taken, and two because all of a sudden, not all the stakes are interpersonal.

Three, because I asked Tremor months ago to use his piece Chant of War, and he graciously accepted, and I wanted the chapter to capture the same sense of mysticism that Tremor carried forward from the Kavala. So I built this up in my head until almost anything that I threw down to pixels was going to be a disappointment. Hopefully, not too much so. A few spoilers below the fold.

The Stone That Sings, Chapter 14

Discoveries

T'Mar has even more secrets than originally thought, and reveals that if Juliette is a captive of circumstance, her circumstances have been engineered, and she gets a glimpse at another layer of the onion.

Juliette also has secrets of her own. I struggled with this, because she is he character the reader gets closest to, and the narration is designed to pull the reader close. I think it makes a better story for Juliette to have secrets from the reader, even though there are moments when the reader is right there with her thoughts.

Finally there is some progress in improving the holo-projector. This alludes to the relationship that the Vulcans have with the 433rd house as well as brings back the theme of connection, and how Vulcans and Betazoids differ in celebrating success.

This chapter also reveals more about T'Mar's parents and gives the opportunity to show that Vulcan families are not all alike. This is also where almost incomprehensible differences between Betazoid and Vulcan relationships and marriage are made clear. I always saw Betazids and Vulcans being very forthright on the mechanics of intimacy, but from there the viewpoints sharply divide. Vulcans are almost required to put rigor around their marriages and mating. Betazoids have a tradition of breaking tradition.

Danek, Juliette and T'Mar are not designed with the traditional love triangle in mind -- the Terran idea of 'which one do I choose' wouldn't play well at all, but doesn't preclude any kind of tension. More on this in later chapters.

As her Matron points out, Juliette has a lot to learn in this area, as does T'Mar. 

The Stone That Sings, Chapter 13

Projects

FthinraKathi is a language that predates Surak, and is officially extinct. Luckily, T'Mar's mother has a thing for dead languages. So does Pylkau, it seems, who just does not like the idea of a Betazoid at the monastery at all.

It is also when T'Mar and Juliette reconcile, so it's not all Vulcans hating on Juliette. This is also a chance to flesh out T'Mar more, and show what lies beneath the cool Vulcan exterior. T'Mar is a novice with secrets.

The Vulcan Language Institute, linked above, was extremely helpful, and the history of the language structure really helped with the idea of a Vulcan that rose as a spacefaring culture long before the other species, but almost didn't survive the final test of any species -- having the power to destroy itself.

The Stone That Sings, Chapter 11

The Passion Opera

Danek spells out some of the conflicts that are going on within the Vulcans in the Sas-a-shar community, and while writing this, while I try to stick with the outline, I had one of those epiphany moments.  I had understood that this community of Vulcans were part of a schism in how to best walk the Way of Kolinahr, but I had glossed over it in my initial outline. It started as simply a throwaway thought and a way to put the Vulcans in a less pristine technological environment because "reasons".

This chapter really got me thinking about what those differences meant, and at the same time, not have my small sect in the Sas-a-shar become a mix of "The Hills Have Eyes" or "Deliverance". At the heart of it, they were still good people, and good people that chose to live in a far more hostile environment. Later chapters will dig in to just how hostile this environment can be.

This is also an opportunity to give Lorot a chance to shine. He's been a bit of a comedic foil for P'Nem, but as someone who contributes a lot to keeping the monastery running, he has quite a reputation. He's also a gifted calligrapher -- an art dying on Vulcan, and elsewhere. This is really a chance to examine Art in a universe where matter and energy are starting to blend. I feel Star Trek skipped out on this, simply falling back to some sort of wistful thinking about the 20th century. I suppose one could look at it like some sort of re-enactment of some three hundred years ago, but at least in these contemporary times, they are niches. Again, in a universe where stuff is easy, maybe the wistfulness isn't as far-fetched, though I would say every century/decade/year would have its artists. But things get complicated in such a far-flung future.

This chapter also has Juliette obliquely referring to the Passion Operas again, this time to posit to Lorot how she sees her situation. His repsone, I hope, is clear.

The Stone that Sings, Chapter 10

Holograms, Refuse, and Refusal

This chapter introduces the ESH, or the "Emergency Stylist Hologram."

This started as a comedic idea and remains so in many ways. At the same time, much of Juliette's stress about her hair is one part vanity, three parts loss of control. The ESH is a resumption of control and the establishment of just a little more Betazoid normal in her life.

This also opens with Juliette asserting her independence. Vulcan society is very role driven, and much of the Vulcan/Terran romances are very much about the strong Vulcan taking calm, logical control of the relationship situation.   It should be very clear that the Stone That Sings dumps this on its head slightly -- first with the relationship between Lorot and P'Nem, and, more starkly,  the relationship between Juliette and Danek.  Juliette, coming from a planet of predominantly female Matrons, is expected to do work and get her hands dirty. Sure, there might be other houses with legions of consorts to take care of mundane labor, but that's not the 433rd House of Betazed's style.

Juliette is not able to articulate the political situation on Betazed, and while Danek is technically correct, there is a judgement factor added on which may or may not apply. Juliette certainly doesn't agree, which is good because it ticks her off enough to get a fresh robe and find something unusual.

Juliette has to make a decision, and it shows how important telepathy is to Betazoids, but to Juliette in particular, who resigns herself to a life on Vulcan versus losing her abilities.

The Stone that Sings, Chapter 12

As Is Proper

This is the first chapter that really brings up the idea of propriety in Vulcan culture, and runs Juliette right smack into that propriety. It was hinted at when Master Surot gave a tour of the monastery -- men and women live in different wings. This, of course, doesn't solve the problems of same-sex liasons, but that is what the Initiates are for -- but as young adults on the Way of Kolinahr, one can expect some level of control, or at least discretion.

This chapter also brings T'Sana forward, and gives more of a perspective of her concerns around Betazoids. It also brings to light the differences between Betazoid and Vulcan perspectives on intimacy, and what is proper to discuss in mixed company.

We also learn that manipulating Juliette into retrieving zattre was not entirely just a chore for Juliette, but also an object lesson. Master Surot tries to spell these things out quite clearly and at the same time also learns Juliette's distress around the Kolinahr Masters. As I review this, and look at the second draft I realize Juliette's interaction with the Masters should probably become a scene itself -- especially because its so powerful, and starkly highlights a major difference between Vulcan telepathy and Betazoid empathy.

The Stone that Sings 9: The Matron of Summer

After a week, the Initiate T’Sana told the novices the sandstorm had ended, and that once cleanup was over, daily duties were to be resumed. Among many of the novices, there was a sense of restrained relief. Three days before, the monastery’s power had stopped, turning familiar corridors into a silent, lightless maze.

Juliette had stood breathless, trapped in the sudden darkness when the collective dismay of every Vulcan in the facility crashed into her, toppling her against a wall which she clung helplessly, fighting the undertow of sudden emotion, her eyes clenched tight.

The Stone That Sings Part III: Annah 2368

In summer, Annah had walked the rows of Jestral with Minerva ever since she could walk.  In the lower, hotter valleys, the leaves could be harvested year round, but here, high in the mountains, the Jestral shrubs grew much slower.  Havest was always in late summer, and had to be carefully timed with the dense fog that rolled in with the ocean.  After the third fog, but never more than a month later, Annah would walk the rows of lush shrubs, the edges of the normally green leaves taking a purplish tint. This year, Minerva dutifully followed, her toes grey from the dry, sandy ground, her young feet toughed by a summer of bare feet.

The Stone that Sings Part II

When Juliette Sri arrived at sick bay 38, her mental defenses wrapped tightly around her, the medical stations labs were dark and the bio beds empty. She consulted a console, and found all the patients had been transferred to other bays.  The reasons for doing so were indistinct, and since there was space in other sick bays, the transfers were unquestioned.  Devoid of patients, the sick bay staff had left for the day, in ones or small groups, with quick messages like, “Forgot my anniversary”, “Happy Hour at Quarks!”, “Early Dinner Date with Alain.” Or “I don’t think I fed Aslot.” One was simply a blunt. “I need some me-time.”  That left Matron Sheldt, her staff, and Juliette Sri  as the sole occupants of sickbay 38.  As Juliette approached the matron’s presence, her bodyguards coldly kept their distance, no doubt still smarting from her avoiding them and having the temerity to refuse the matron’s request.  With a deep breath, Juliette let her mental shield cascade away in a shower of diamond.

The Stone That Sings: Part I

Juliette Sri was apologizing. Again. Weaving, and apologizing. She could tell from D’Shyv’s stiff responses she wasn’t doing a very good job.

“I thought you wanted some space with Tran.”

Did I?

Sri frowned. The storms of Andoria were bone biting cold. Sri herself had nearly frozen to death hiding in the secondary hull of an ancient starship. Sunny days compared to the frost responses of an irked Aenar.  Blind as D’Shyv was, she briskly maneuvered and angled herself through the traffic of Deep Space Nine’s promenade. A pale, aloof ghost haunted by the living.  Sri felt her own peevishness at chasing after the D’Shyv creeping growing, and persisted with the verbal, if only because she knew it irritated her.

“I did. I thought you’d have something in common – talk about the homeworld—“

Homeworld? You know nothing of us, Lieutenant Commander.  Her use of Sri’s rank dripped with contempt, and Sri bit back anger. We may share a planet, but we are different worlds.

“All the more reason to get to know him. You wanted to find out more about the universe. Perhaps starting closer to home –“